I’ve been extremely busy planning for the release of my debut novel. There’s been so much to do, and as an Indie author, it all pretty much falls on my plate. (Which is kind of okay since I’m a little bit of a control freak…) But it’s also overwhelming and stressful and exhausting! There’s so much to do from designing the website and promotionals to writing blogs (not to mention the next installment of the story!), to being ‘social’ (social media itself is overwhelming—it could seriously be a full-time job!) to many other things I won’t bore you with… If I let it, it could drain the joy this exciting experience.
Why do I tell you this? Because the other day, I did let it drain my joy. In a quick conversation, I went from being elated to being deflated. I’m not proud to admit that. And I’m embarrassed to admit that once I was able to get away by myself, I broke down in defeat. Maybe I can partially blame the stress and exhaustion as of late. But truthfully, I let my doubts and insecurities win. I let that inner voice, that devil forever on my shoulder, sneak in and undo all the work that had been done. I know I said last time that I don’t typically play the blame game with the enemy, but this time I have no doubt it was him.
This whole ‘book thing’ has been exciting (despite the stress), and God sent. (I’ll share the origination of Anticipation one day, soon…) So much has fallen into place to bring this book to fruition—until that conversation. And then things started falling apart—at least they did in my mind. All my insecurities started creeping in and I began second-guessing whether I was following God’s lead on this anymore. What if this isn’t/hasn’t been from Him? What if this is/was all me? Maybe this is Him trying to get my attention off myself and back to Him? Or maybe this is the enemy fighting desperately against this…
I finally, literally said aloud “Go away Satan!” I admit, it seems trite that I did this. But I remembered when Jesus stated this (or similar) when Peter was doubting Jesus’ plight. (Matthew 16:23). It seemed fitting, as my internal Peter was doubting all that Jesus has already done and will do with this story. (You can see my many resemblances to Peter here). I have seen God in this too much to doubt His Hand, but that’s exactly what I was doing. And it was his fault. He was the first to cast doubt (Genesis 3:1) He cast doubt in Eve’s mind with “Has God indeed said,…” and he followed it up with deceit (Genesis 3:4) “You will not surely die.” All he did was rephrase it to fit my circumstance: “Did God really tell you to do this? You will not surely succeed.” And boom, if it’d been in my power, I probably would’ve pulled the plug on the printing in that moment. (I’m really not proud to admit I was so easily tempted to throw it all away.)
May I suggest to you that the next time you go from elated to deflated that you immediately tell the devil to hit the road? Drop kick him to the curb and lock the door before he creeps back in. Don’t allow those doubts or his deceit to win.
How about you? Have you ever experienced a time when the enemy had you second-guessing yourself and your God?